by Amie Hope
Note; This post originally appeared on Fervently Driven and has been cross-posted with permission.
A couple of months ago I watched a movie called: “Feed.” I give the movie an A+++ on how well it portrayed what goes on in the mind of someone that has an eating disorder.
Explaining the personal experience of an Ed to a family member/friend can be like trying to explain to an english teacher how to teach Calculus 2. It’s not impossible…but it is very hard.
In previous blog posts I talk about my own experience with an eating disorder (My Journey Through New Lenses, Lets Talk About “It”, and Goodbye ED, Hello ME).
If you are reading this right now and are afraid of what your life would look like without Ed… know that I’ve felt that fear as well.
If you are reading this right now debating if you even want to try to recover…know that I have debated that as well.
If you are reading this right now and are really worried about someone close to you that has an eating disorder…know that I have felt worry as well about people close to me that have an Ed.
If you are reading this right now thinking you are the exception and you can never fully be recovered…know I have felt that as well.
There are 3 specific things that Ed does not want you to know.
Ed does not want you to realize that you are “sick enough” because once you realize that he will lose power.
Ed does not want you to realize that you are even sick because once you realize that he will lose power.
Ed does not want you to discover that the whole point in recovery is to stop listening to him because once you realize that he will slowly die.
Listen, I get it…this is not an easy thing. Awareness of things can only take us so far. Sometimes we need extra help to put our awareness into action.
My life used to be consumed by Ed. He was very very tricky. He had a way of manifesting…
One of my biggest supports has been a nutritionist who specializes in nutrition therapy for disordered eating and eating disorders. One way my eating disorder would manifest would be into eating “really healthy.” I know this probably sounds confusing to some people.
See, one very crucial thing about Ed recovery for me was balance, not abstinence. I have learned that no food should be off limits, no hunger cue should be denied, and that all food is good food: no food is inherently bad.
Learning these things helped me fight Ed and get rid of him once and for all!
There are 3 specific things I want Ed to know.
I was “sick enough” when I would lie to my friends and tell them that I couldn’t go to taco bell with them because I wasn’t feeling well.. I believed you when you told me that I was not allowed to have any food that you did not want me to have. I no longer believe that lie.
I was very sick. I believed you when you would tell me that me and you were so powerful together and that I could not live without you. I no longer believe that lie.
I have stopped listening to you. I used to believe every single word that you said. I no longer believe anything that you have ever told me.