by Daniella Ventresca
Christmas is hard.
Beating ED is hard.
Season change is hard.
Dealing with the cold is hard.
Dark skies leave me feeling heavy.
I’ve binged and binged for weeks.
December has been my most challenging month to date, now that I consciously battle ED with my support counsellor and “open book” philosophy.
I suffered traumatic events since I was a child. I’ve been belittled, picked on, brutally beaten both physically and mentally and tortured by the “need to be perfect”.
December is a “fun and beautiful” time of year. It truly is! I actually enjoy Christmas songs, the decorations and the love in the air.
However, I also have trouble dealing with the cold temperatures, the dark skies and the lathargic desire my body develops. I despise how I suddenly feel lazy, fat and uncomfortable.
I despise how ED has stopped me from being able to enjoy treats in the company with others, yet over-indulge in the privacy of my own home.
Christmas with ED and SAD are lonely, for me.
My heart feels heavy, my body feels weak, my insecurities have risen and my binges have increased.
I wish I could better answer that question, even for myself.
I recognize that my family trauma plays a large role into my December blues.
I recognize that my binge episodes are feeding my insecurities.
I recognize that my social isolation is enhancing my loneliness.
I recognize that falling out of routine is incresing the stagnant feeling.
I recognize that doing things in the morning and mid afternoon before the sun sets, is my optimal way of accomplishing my tasks.
I recognize that complaining about my “problems” does not help or fix anything.
What I did:
Well, I made an ED oopsie lastnight.
Today is a new day, however!
I left a note for my roommate stating: “Good morning. I apologize if I am not myself at the current moment. Please bare with me as I battle ED and SAD. I am trying to work through this new season and the emotions it brings upon me. Your support is appreciated.”
I left similar messages via text messages to two other friends. I feel great in doing this. I show that I recognize my triggers, and troubles right now. I also gave my friends permission to check in on me, and I invited them to choose to listen and understand, or keep their boundaries and not question too much.
Christmas is a hard time for many people, like myself.
I just want to remind the readers that we are not alone.
All my love