A little over a year ago I was really open about my eating disorder over social media, but I was not ready for the hate that would come along with being so open about it. I was told that I was too messed up. Yes, guys were mean to me in the dating aspect of things because they thought I was too skinny, but the largest amount of hate I received was from GIRLS, because of course since I struggled with anorexia I was a freak, or an attention seeker. The worst thing out of all of that was said about me was never said to my face, so I couldn’t stand up for myself. It was in the halls and someone overheard, over text, asking me questions about how to lose weight for prom. The most memorable moment for m was being in a bathroom stall and hearing girls talk about how much of a “freak” I was.
I let things like that get to me, and I would go home and cry and ask my parents why did no one understand, why were people so mean, but they never had an answer. But now I don’t need a answer because its life. Teenagers can be wicked, and I can’t let what others think effect me. It may seem like I have changed a lot this year but I haven’t , I just found that the most important thing is to love myself and protect myself. I never used to say anything if I wasn’t okay with something and that’s different now. I am not perfect. My sense of humor is super weird, I don’t use very “appropriate words”, and sometimes my sarcasm is hard to tell if I am being legit or not, but 99.9% of the time I am being sarcastic, just talk to me.
A lot of people like to make assumptions about me, but they aren’t right; I am weird but I am happy about that. This post is not to gain sympathy nor do I want/need your sympathy but I just want others to know I am here at any time and can relate.
The last thing I would like to say is get to know me and everyone else by actually talking to me, instead of getting false information from people who don’t like them. A select few know me and my full story, and I know those people love me. You don’t have to love everyone and listen to my or their story, but don’t act like you know them or me if you won’t try. There are two sides to every penny.
Today marks six months in recovery for me, and I can’t believe it. I remember being told by the doctor ” Allie, if you keep going you won’t make it six more months”. I was fine with dying, I was actually content with the fact that I was dying as long as I was skinny. One day my parents sat next to me begging and pleading for me to eat, as tears came streaming down their faces, and I said ” I would rather die skinny, than die ugly..”. Think about that, I was sixteen and had my whole life ahead of me but was still fine with dying as long as I was “skinny”.
As I am in recovery, I am sensitive to when people talk about weight related topics. Some people might find that annoying or just another way for me to find attention, but it’s not. A normal conversation topic includes dieting fads, waist sizes, weight loss, and how much someone weighs. When someone talks about their weight or dieting plans that people are used to, they normalize it, join in, and try to pick up new techniques to lose weight. Anorexia or anorexic has become a describing word of someone’s outer appearance who is thin, just as if it was another hair color.
“My friend, the one who is so skinny, she looks anorexic”. A horrible, life threatening illness is used as a describing word. I’ve seen weight lifters in shirts that were made as a joke say ” I survived Anorexia” and the person wearing it openly admiring it’s just suppose to be a funny joke. Anorexia is not a joke or a word to describe someone. Please help stop normalizing dieting conversations, and anorexia.
When I first got fully diagnosed with anorexia, anxiety, and depression, I was in such a low, low place and hated myself. I had a couple of friends that actually hung out with me, but for the most part my friends found new friends, or our schedules didn’t work to hangout, so I eventually gave up and didn’t want to hangout with anyone. I didn’t like talking to people outside of school, I didn’t even want to talk to my family. And my eating disorder became stronger and stronger. I dated a very mean, awful guy which didn’t help my Anorexia. He never missed a chance to tell me how ugly, or unattractive and worthless I was. For a while I believed him, so obviously my eating disorder got even stronger, and I was just a shell of the girl I once was.
Fast forward to almost a year later, I was at my worst I had ever been that year but now I’m so proud of where I am. I am so proud of myself and the progress I have made.
So anytime you think you can’t fight anymore or you can’t handle one more day, you can and you will because you are all fighters. People didn’t believe in me and would tell me I was disgusting and just an anorexic freak. People are mean. Especially in high school or honestly at any age and sadly no matter how much we try, we can’t make everyone understand or care about what others are going through. But we can fight our inner demons and prove them wrong. And honestly it’s pretty freaking awesome to be living my life to the fullest now and showing all the guys who left me because ” I was messed up” or “didn’t have enough curves” that I’m doing just fine and have an amazing, loving man in my life, or showing the mean girls who would talk about me behind my back that I am so much more then what they think about me. Don’t live your life to prove people wrong, live your life to make yourself happy and to improve yourself. But, it’s always freaking awesome to show people what a bomb ass person you are if they ever doubted you.