I think it is finally about time that you and I exchange a few words and no doubt you will love the attention you will temporarily receive. I am writing your goodbye letter, not mine, because I am still living and fighting, I am stronger than you will ever be and I am winning.
I want to start off by thanking you, thank you for being a ‘friend’ of mine – a best friend, no sorry; more than that- my other half. For making me feel ‘safe’ for helping me go from uncomfortable to comfortable. Thank you for helping me get through the darkest of times. You made the pain stop and I loved you for it. You were there for me all day, every day. If I needed you to burn down an emotion, you always knew, and you were always there. When I spent time with you, nothing else mattered. I never felt crazy about telling you something that was pushing my buttons because in the end, you’d wipe out those furious feelings with numbness. It was awesome. I loved it. I didn’t care that you made me disgusting. I didn’t care that you’d made me a compulsive liar. I didn’t care because you were giving me everything I needed so I did my part and stayed loyal. I knew no one would understand me the way you did. Unfortunately, no one does. That’s why you’re my other half. I hate to admit it, but you don’t only serve me; you hurt me. I’ve tried to break up with you numerous times, don’t you remember? I’ve had enough of you because I’ve realised that I am enough. I am making the decision to move on and let go of you. Hand the reigns to me, my mum and Sarah. This will be a difficult transition, but I am committed to end our abusive relationship, because I need to build the relationship you ruined with my family and friends back up. I may fall for your voices and rely on the temporary numbness you give me at times but, I’m not giving up the fight till I achieve to be more powerful than you. I’m fighting for a life without you. I’m fighting to be free of your demands. I’m fighting because I deserve more than what you offer me. I deserve more than the voices shouting in my head when I’ve made a ‘mistake’, but there is no right for you. I deserve more than falling onto you for a quick escape when I’ve had a bad day; restricting, lying, exercising, that’s all you offered me. And by hell, I am valid to feel all emotions; including the bad so I am able to feel the good. That’s right, happiness in which you would never approve me to experience yet, you would manipulate me that I would be my happiest if I engaged in our “bad romance” together. That disturbing cycle you peer-pressured me into doing– eat, exercise, restrict, repeat; yes, it satisfied my needs temporarily, but in the long run, you nearly killed me.
My biggest dream has been brought to an end, I always dreamed of being a jockey and now my career has been thrown down the drain because of you, what I worked bloody hard for – you just barged into my life and robbed me of a potential professional status, hopefully I will be able to ride again, but only time will tell; that time and strength is not down to you, it’s my sheer determination and will power that is driving me on.
You were making me hate and abuse what I loved and valued most; sport and freedom. You made me over exercise as you constantly told me I wasn’t strong enough for racing that that caused my muscles and bones to become worn out because they needed a rest – which you didn’t allow because nothing was good enough for you.
You manipulated me and controlled me like a puppet – making me do my every wrong move; lying, being completely in denial, telling me that I didn’t need certain things and that listening to you, I would be a better person – and I believed you – you manipulated me.
I thought you were my friend. I thought you were just trying to help me take control of my life and make a better me. But all you were doing was belittling me, shaming me. You told me that my friends and family were stupid and lying when they expressed concern for me. You convinced me that you were the only one who truly cared for me; boy I was wrong.
I truly regret the fact that I allowed you to control my life for so long; I’ve wasted so much of my valuable life listening to your destroying demands.
You make me embarrassed that as an adult I had to have people watching me eat and watching my every move 24/7 as I wasn’t trusted to not exercise or restrict. I feel annoyed as I listen and see all of my friends leading a free life and enjoying it, while you made me force my aching body out of bed at 3am and run, you also led me to spending my summer in hospital lying in a bed with nothing to do except contemplate whether anything is worth fighting for.
When I exercised like you demanded, you told me to do more, when I lost weight; your goals increased incessantly, you told me the little amount I gave my body wasn’t good enough! No matter what I did for you, you were never content and now I realise you won’t ever be – you’re always adamant that there was room for improvement and that I needed to be perfect, and it’s now that I’m starved and at deaths door that I realised that the only way to be your perfect was if I were dead.
I admit I did say thank you above, but really there isn’t anything worth thanking; I am fighting like hell for my life and I am prepared to use all the strength and power I have left to fight against you, I have no option but to be strong and follow the rules set out by the people that actually care for me.
This remaining strength isn’t because of you; you didn’t help me through anxiety attacks and flashbacks – the ones who believed and cared for me did as well as myself.
I will survive everything in spite of you – you’re the reasons everything was so difficult and still will be. I chose not to let my life be taken by you and I’m choosing to not let my life be ruled by numbers and exercise of which you want it to be. Instead I am choosing to nourish my body and allow it to rest to gain my strength back. I am choosing recovery every second of everyday without you.
I can tell you it has not been easy and won’t be; like a roller-coaster in fact, but I’m recovering without you. Recovery is far from a stroll in the park but every day I get up with more strength and a hell of a lot more confidence and courage to strive and regain my life with the most amazing people; which you put on hold and tried to destroy.
I’m going to forget about numbers, remove any unwanted eating disorder related topics and this is because I don’t want reminded of you or want to revisit ever again. I have gone against you by approaching Sarah for nutritional advice, for opening up and telling everything to her and my mum and then finally admitting defeat and agreeing to hand over temporary control, until I’m strong enough to control myself. I have gone through thick and thin and realise that none of this was my fault – it’s never the victims fault and I will never forget that. And god I am glad.
I have made it and haven’t let you take my life from me, it’s not right for me to say I’m recovered as I am far from it; I’ve taken the first step and chosen recovery. I won’t have you by my side anymore because I won’t allow you. I will always struggle in life – like everyone else because I can’t be perfect, no one can. I am sure as hell going to create a life back that does not revolve around you controlling me.
I’ve tried breaking away from you numerous times and always ended right back by your side, completely deluded by the promises you offered – and after writing this to you, you’re probably going to laugh at the fact you’re thinking that I’m an idiot for trying again. In this letter for once I have focused on you – the only time I will ever do that again. I am actually embarrassed I came back to you, the lame excuses you promised me would be perfect, I listened; I was naïve and believed your deceitful lies.
You’re a bully – a life destroyer – you broke my heart and you said I would be stronger with you, but that’s one thing I can say for sure, I am strong for choosing to leave you behind.
It’s time for you to leave. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, and I realize that that is never going to happen under your treatment. I want to be healthy again, and that isn’t something you will allow either. So you have to go.
I’m already starting to see what the world might be like without you whispering in my ear. I’m starting to feel again. I’m starting to think that self-worth is more important than you are. I’m starting to see that my friends and family were right about you. Thank you for testing my strength, for showing me that I can get through this pain, but I don’t need you anymore.
I know I will be faced with your tempting words trying to capture my heart again, but as I’m learning more about my true self and more about you, your voice will slowly be muted as my strength and ability to choose a full life will grow.
I am done now – we are done. You disgust me and I wish we never met but I can’t change that, but what I am changing is my life by leaving you ad saying goodbye. You may have brought me down before but I won’t ever let you do that again – I will no longer be your victim.