I’ve been struggling with restriction for years. Too many to count. About six years ago I hit a downward spiral to my lowest point.
These past few years have been hard. Any situations dealing with food have caused me a great deal of stress. Thanksgiving has been no exception. The stress and anxiety would begin each November and consume my thoughts. I dreaded the thought that I would be forced to “feast” with my whole family. And by whole I mean huge.
You see, everyday I was able to abide by my schedule and rules, but I knew, on Thanksgiving, I would be forced to eat. Forced to interact. Forced to pretend that my mind wasn’t constantly under the control of the monster: my ED. So I worried and cried and let my fear get the best of me.
But then, Thanksgiving Day arrived and somehow I made it through. Each year, it came and it went and I survived. And after a few years of torturing myself over what might be; I realized something huge, all the worrying I had done was useless. As scary as it seemed to be, it was actually only the lies of the monster that were making me so worried.
Once I survived Thanksgiving, I knew I could survive my ED. After breaking the rules for that one day, it became easier to break them for another and another. And in breaking the rules, I was learning to laugh again. To be fun. To care about my relationships again. Soon I was gaining strength while the monster was getting weaker and weaker. And today, is every day perfect? No. Am I fully able to live without focusing on my daily habits regarding food and exercise? No. But I’m moving in the right direction and slowly knocking the monster out of existence.
This year, at Thanksgiving, I plan to enjoy the day. I hope you can enjoy yours too.