by Lindsey Martin
All I’m asking for is a break. One hour, just sixty minutes, where I don’t think of you. You’ve hurt me, really truly hurt me. You torment me and yell at me daily, you put me down and constantly tell me I’m not good enough, that I need to change. You’ve put my life at risk, you’ve ruined countless relationships, made me mad at the world, and caused me to think so negatively towards myself. You’ve caused me to think thoughts that have scared myself, ones I never wanted to think. Caused me to do things to myself and put myself in situations I wish I had never done or been in before. The thought of having you in my head for the rest of my life… it’s debilitating. The thought of having to constantly put down all your negative and demanding comments forever… it’s exhausting.
I can see you, hear you, screaming and crying and desperately calling for attention curled in a ball like a hurt child. What’s going on? Why are you hurting? Do you feel tired? Stressed? Unloved? Not cared for? Not worthy? Not enough? What’s going on? What or who hurt you so badly that causes you to yell at me all day and put me down? What was missing that has caused you so much pain? I can see that you’re hurting, that you need something, but what is it? What do you need? I know that you don’t mean to do me harm and are rather trying to protect me, but how come you’re so distressed?
I admit, though you have hurt me, you’ve also made me stronger. You have given me emotional and mental strength that I’ve never felt before. Not to mean I don’t have hard days, I do, but because of you I am able to get through them. I admit, that I wouldn’t be where I am today without you, and for that I am beyond thankful for. You have showed me my passion in life and given me something to be excited about and look forward to. I admit, that you have introduced me to truly wonderful people. Without you I would have never been in treatment with some of the strongest and most beautiful people I have ever met. I admit, you have taught me, taught me a lot. You have taught me life lessons that some people may never get to experience. You have given me a new level of maturity and changed my priorities in life. I admit, that even though it’s tough sometimes, I’ve accepted you, even welcomed you. So I’m not saying that I hate you, because I don’t, I’m just saying that our relationship is bitter sweet.
I wish we could have a more peaceful relationship. As long as you’re here to stay, why don’t we work as a team? Form a friendship? We could get on the same page and learn how to work together to build us up rather than against each other to break us down. How does that sound? Peace then, maybe that’s what I’m asking for. Not necessarily a break, but rather surrender to the battle and finally some peace.
• Anger • Empathy • Gratitude • Reconcile •