by Hannah Conlon
To grow up, live, and accept yourself in the toxic world we were born into, and to breath in the deathly fumes that our culture and society release it is hard for one self to feel like they belong and “fit in” to today’s expectations.
Young kids are being exposed to magazine advertisements and tv ads all with the same message that their flaws are not okay, and that they need to be fixed. As we grow older we start to become aware of what separates ourselves from being that perfect human and lean further and further into a pattern of self-hate.
Personally, wanting to be a different “better” version of myself else led me into a dark deep hole. This vision I had in my head for how I would look was not heathy nor attractive. As my insecurities grew, so did the darkness that surrounded me and my inner demons became stronger and took control of my life. I stopped living life, enjoying myself, and made everyone around me just as miserable. A contributing factor to the overbearing negative thoughts inside my head, was the fact that I was controlled by social media and compared myself to the skinner and more “lean” women, who glamorized their eating disorders in an unhealthy way.
Little did I know, that as soon as I began to accept myself, other people who I compared myself to would not have a negative impact on me. At the time, feeling good about myself seemed nearly impossible, actually being confident in my own skin and not picking out every single flaw on my body was far from my current mental reality.
As time went on, and my mind grew healthier, I began to see myself in a new light. Limiting myself to triggering social media accounts and embracing every single flaw, knowing that there is no one worth keeping in my life, if they feel the need to judge who I am, I learned to be content with the size and shape I was meant to be. Soon enough, I was trying new foods and not running from my insecurities, I ate ice cream, went out to eat, and did everything an average person would do, no one could stop me from being the happiest, confident, most vivacious version of myself. Although this may sound easy, I can guarantee it was definitely not, but I can promise that it is one hundred and five percent worth every battle, fight, change and commitment it takes to be the best you, and dedicate yourself to your recovery. This may sound like a quick turnover, but in fact it took years and is still an ongoing work in progress. It required multiple appointments, self determination and help from others to get to the healthy mindset I am currently living in.
I refuse to let societies darkness surround me and I never again want to breath in the toxic fumes or look at myself in a hateful, disapproving way. Having this experience has made me vulnerable to the fact that being underweight is dangerous and has absolutely no benefits, and in reality, ends up being the darkest, deepest point of your life.
I will end with this: you, you are worth it, you are strong, you are beautiful/handsome, and there is nobody out there who can counteract your self worth. Believe in yourself and preserver with the knowledge that if you accept yourself nobody can knock down your strong walls, you are the one who chooses how you shall life, make it worth your while.