by Jaime Nunes
The eating disorder clinic.
My daughter thinks SHE hates coming here.
This place is a trigger…
I say it half jokingly. 1/2 of it in reference to a phrase that became all too familiar in our house and the other 1/2 is the sorrow that touches deep into the core of my being every time I come here. This place was visited by us in our darkest most fearful moments. I look around at the people in the waiting room, mostly moms and mostly with their daughters, and I sympathize with them. I do so secretly. I want to talk to them and share and learn and empathize. I want to tell someone, a mom whom is going through this torment, that there is hope. Despite being far from where they appear to be, I’ve learned not to distance myself from the reality of what this disorder can do. Because you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and you will have that light shrouded in the blink of an eye by the depths of the grip the disorder has on your child. You’ll have hope in recovery. It will be stolen. That joy filled peaceful sweet happy girl will come back and she will disappear. You’re heart will break in ways that are immeasurable. It will steal everything from you. It narrowly escaped with my daughters life. And in its attempt at taking her it stole from our family. It stole our contentment. It stole our peace. It stole the light. It crept in and slowly and smoothly manipulated its way into our lives and took her from us and made us watch with the awe of a passerby of an accident on the side of the road. We were the ones who stopped and desperately tried to help but no matter what we did the outcome would be fatefully the same.
We have come a very long way together in the fight for her well being. The physical and emotional strides have been a wonder to see. We will always lay in wait for it to rear it’s ugly head. Not because we don’t trust her but because we don’t trust the illness. We live life knowing it is there just waiting for her to weaken. We also live with confidence that she finally may be ready to see herself for the insanely beautiful person that she is. There’s light.