I’ll never forget our first encounter. I was only 8 at the time. You lured me in and gave me a quick exit from my uncomfortable, youthful anxiety. I didn’t expect for you to stick around after that day, but 11 years later, you are still here.
As I grew, so did our relationship. You tormented me with hateful words every time I looked in the mirror. You screamed loudly every time I set foot on the scale. You taunted me every time I put food into my body. You made me feel like I was never enough.
I knew I was in love with you when I was 17 years old. Your incessant bombarding helped me get to exactly where I had always wanted to be. I was thin, so thin that it alarmed others. I made sure no one knew how all the weight had vanished. I promised I was healthy. I was lying- you did this to me. You made me this way.
I decided to stop listening to you during my first semester away at college. I let myself enjoy food. I let myself love. I let myself live for once. This didn’t stop you from talking; I could still hear you in the back of my head… “You’re really going to eat that?” “You disgust me.” “No wonder he doesn’t love you.” “You’re worthless.” “You’re fat.” “You’ve gained so much weight.””Put that cookie down!””Burn more calories.”
I was so frustrated. A part of me still loved you so deeply, but I wanted to leave you. I knew there was a life out there beyond you, but I just couldn’t seem to let go. I searched to fill the vacancy of your love in every kiss, every touch, every drink, every high. Nothing filled the void. So, we got back together the summer I returned from my first year of college. It was pure bliss at first. I loved the attention you were giving me, you made me feel so good. You made me feel like I was worth something. And that was what I was looking for all along. This was not a lasting feeling.
That summer, I sought treatment. I fought you so hard and kept telling you to leave me alone, but you just wouldn’t. You were still there, enticing me to be with you. It was so hard to let go of. You were my first love. How could I move on from something that once gave me so much? But I was determined to leave you behind.
It took 6 months and different levels of treatment, but I have finally done it. You are gone. I no longer need you. I now know the attention you give me is not genuine. You have only ever wanted to hurt me. Although at first the thought of us parting ways terrified me, it is the best decision I have ever made. I will no longer let you bully me into hating myself. I will never give you that satisfaction again.
Many people say that you will always have feelings for your first love. I, on the contrary, disagree. I no longer love you and I do not miss you. You are no longer the person I count on. The only person I count on is me. I don’t hear you yelling in the mirror in the morning and you are no longer by my side when I eat. The lies that you told me are no longer my truth. Now, I am living my truth. My truth is that I am worth it. I am always worth it