Location: Victoria, Australia
Working as an administration assistant for hospital maintenance department. Also working as a personal trainer but will be finishing up soon. Studying my Master of Applied Linguistics. Love spending time at the beach, cooking, baking bread, crafting, drinking coffee, and watching my favorite TV shows (especially Bob’s Burgers!).
How has Beating Eating Disorders helped you?
Providing me with motivation and inspiration to continue along my recovery journey, especially on days where I’m feeling I can’t keep fighting. The quotes and posts are helping me learn to accept and be happy with myself and my body as they are!
Where are you in your recovery journey?
I am sitting at that awful “half recovered” phase. I am weight restored (according to BMI) but still have many many symptoms of my ED. I feel this is the most difficult stage to be in. I am now facing the deeper emotions and feelings that have manifested on the surface as my ED. I am becoming more aware of the events and feelings that bring about my ED behaviours and what my most common behaviours are. I am working on being prepared for if and when I face these potential scenarios by creating a “treasure box” full of mantras, quotes, spiels, pictures etc. that I can use against my ED.
What are your future recovery orientated goals?
To simply be happy and be able to enjoy my life like I used to.
To become a stronger person both physically and mentally.
What is the most helpful thing someone has said to you? What has been the most harmful?
“You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it”
My Mum told me about the poem ‘Invictus’ by William Ernest Henley. The last few lines of the poem are “I am the captain of my fate. I am the master of my soul”. This is so powerful to me. I also looked up the word Invictus and it means “unconquered”. I control my life and I will not be conquered by my eating disorder.
Finally, I also love a section of Dr. Zeus’s book “Oh The Places You Will Go” which is “be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”.
I haven’t had many harmful things said to me during my recovery. Mainly just those everyday comments about food and weight etc. mid last year my boyfriend broke up with me and when I asked for a reason he said he just wasn’t attracted to me. This was so unbelievably hurtful for me and my ED went wild at all the things wrong with me that he wouldn’t be attracted to: too fat/ugly, annoying, etc. I fell into probably the biggest relapse I have had so far. For months now I have believed that the reason he broke up with me was because there was something wrong with me, or I wasn’t good enough. Instead I need to believe that there isn’t anything wrong with me that needs to be fixed. I am great the way I am and it’s his problem if he doesn’t like me. I am working on this belief every day and am slowly starting to feel less worthless.
I truly believe that the most harmful things said to me where actually back in high school when I was bullied for my weight. I had the “fat and skinny went to bed” poem called out to me, was called a fat b***h, caught girls writing notes about me saying I had wrists the size of tree trunks. The bullying hurt so much at the time & is still so vivid to me. It wasn’t until 10 years later that I developed an eating disorder though, the bullying being a main cause and now a large contributor to my inability to fully recover.
Is there anything else you would like to add that you want people to know?
I have so much I’d like to share that I could write a thesis on here!! The advice I’d most like to give is advice my Mum gave me. She didn’t like to look at my recovery as two steps forward one step back. It felt too negative to her. Instead she believes that recovery is like a pathway and instead of taking one step back, you just step OFF the path, to the side, to have a little rest on the park bench. It is a rest, a pause, or a stop rather than a reversal. So in times where I become more consumed by my ED and may be weaker against it, I am not going backwards, I am just staying put for a bit until I find the strength to get up and keep walking, keep fighting!