by Olive Green
All my friends are getting married, or pregnant, or establishing their own businesses and I just stay there, trying to fix the wreckage my eating disorder had caused. I can’t even imagine their spectacular New Year’s resolutions, but I can share mine with you.
1. To graduate university.
All my friends graduated with ease but I couldn’t. When the disordered behaviors began to take hold of me, I dropped out and felt nothing but despair. Now I know it wasn’t my fault. I’m not ashamed anymore and I let the guilt go. I’m finally ready to go back to university and earn that diploma.
2. To get my driving license.
I’m 23, and I still haven’t gotten my driver’s license because the debilitating combination of depression, anxiety and an eating disorder prevented me from passing my tests. I’ve been beating myself up so much over this, but now I know I’m not a failure. I’m going to take care of myself. I’m going to heal, and when I’m at a better place, I’m getting my license too.
3. To find a better job.
I hate my job but I put up with it because I thought I did not deserve better. I was actually thankful for being given the opportunity to work for people who disrespected me. Now I know better. I deserve better. I am talented enough, I am smart enough and I am definitely worth a better job.
4. To travel.
I spent what seems like a lifetime hiding at home. I was hiding from people, from “food temptations”, from social interaction, from life itself. So my New Year’s last resolution is to travel, because there is a big wide world out there, that’s at the tips of my fingers and it’s waiting to be explored.
So yeah. All my friends are getting married, or pregnant, or establishing their own businesses and I just stay there, trying to fix the wreckage my eating disorder had caused. My plans are kindergarten compared to their accomplishments. Yet, they mean the world to me. They ARE the world to me.
Because I’m getting my life back.
I’m kicking my ED goodbye.