by Camilla Paloma
When you’re doubting recovery, remember how much you’re giving up by relapsing. Recovery will bring you true happiness, not the temporary fake happiness a number gives you on the scale. You will gain proper control and freedom, not the illusion of control counting calories gives you. You will gain emotions – love, warmth, and kindness. Yes restricting allowed you to shut off difficult emotions, but it also took away the ability to feel proper love, to connect with people and to stay present in their lives.
You will gain trust in others, instead of thinking that everyone is always trying to trick you and telling you lies. You will gain back those relationships with friends and family, which you broke when you shut them out of your life so they wouldn’t ruin your perfect routine. You will be able to sit down at the table at Christmas and not worry about how many fat grams or calories are in the food. You will be able to sit down in front of a movie with your best friend and eat pizza and ice-cream, and not just because you went to the gym that day, but because living life in that moment is more important than the rules you set in your mind. You will be able to choose food based on taste and cravings, without denying your body what it clearly needs to survive.
Deep inside you want this, even if you can’t feel or see it, somewhere in you there is still the you that wants to survive and feel truly happy. You want to be able to relax and be with everyone around you instead of being distracted by food torment. You want new memories, loving memories, where the feelings are actually there, and you want peace from your mind. You want achievement and success but you can do this through nourishing yourself, not killing yourself. You want to reach your full potential, and show people what you really can do without a disorder that distracts you from real life and deteriorates your brain so you can’t even form proper sentences in your head. You want to be present, you want to love people, and you want to be loved for who you are, not for what your eating disorder made you.
When you’re doubting recovery, keep going. In that moment it may seem like the most impossible battle to fight, but once it’s over, and it will be over if you keep trying, you will be happier and more grateful than you ever thought possible. Life will expand beyond expectations. You can love yourself, it is possible, I promise.